Raising Emotionally Intelligent Tweens

Let’s be honest, raising a tween can feel like living with a tiny roommate who alternates between needing your advice and resenting your existence.

One minute, they’re cracking jokes and sharing stories from school, and the next, they’re slamming their bedroom door because you asked how their day was.

But here’s the twist most parents don’t realize: these wild emotional swings aren’t bad behaviour. They’re brain development in motion. And they’re your cue to start teaching one of the most underrated life skills of all - emotional intelligence.

What Emotional Intelligence Really Means (And Why It Matters)

Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions - both your own and other people’s. It’s the “how” behind empathy, self-regulation, communication, and resilience.

In parenting terms, it’s the difference between a tween who yells “You never listen!” and one who eventually says “I’m mad because I felt left out.”

That shift from reaction to reflection? That’s emotional intelligence in action.

Here’s the part many parents miss: EQ isn’t taught through lectures or lists. It’s modelled through moments.

When your child melts down because their best friend excluded them, you might want to jump straight into solutions: “You’ll make new friends,” or “Maybe they didn’t mean it.”
 

But what teaches emotional intelligence is slowing down enough to say:

“That sounds really painful. I can see why you’re hurt.”

That short pause before the pep talk is where emotional growth happens. It shows your tween that emotions aren’t emergencies - they’re information.

Psychologists call this “coaching through emotion.”
You’re helping your child connect their internal experience to words and meaning, which strengthens both emotional regulation and trust.

Here’s a quick example:

• Scenario: Your tween loses a soccer game and snaps, “I don’t even care.”

• Old-school response: “Don’t be a sore loser. You’ll do better next time.”

• Emotion-coaching response: “It looks like you’re disappointed. You really wanted that win.”

That one empathetic line creates safety - and safety opens the door to insight.
Because when kids feel seen, they can start to see themselves.

Why It Feels Hard (And What’s Actually Going On)

Parents are smart, reflective, and self-aware - but also exhausted.

Childhood was growing up between “Don’t talk back” and “Use your words.” Now you’re trying to raise emotionally fluent kids while re-parenting your own inner child.

So if this feels hard, it’s because it is. You’re managing two nervous systems at once - theirs and yours.

From a neuroscience standpoint, here’s what’s happening:

• Tweens’ amygdala (emotion center) is fully active - every experience feels urgent and intense.

• Their prefrontal cortex (logic and impulse control) is still developing - meaning reason shows up late to the party.

• Your adult brain tries to stay calm - but mirror neurons (the part of the brain that syncs with another person’s emotional state) can make their chaos trigger yours.

That’s why calm feels contagious both ways.

So how do you co-regulate - meaning, steady yourself so your child can steady too?

Here’s how:

1. Start with your breath, not their behaviour.
   Take one deep breath before speaking. It sounds cliché, but it’s biology. Slow breathing activates your parasympathetic nervous system - your “calm down” button - and your body becomes the anchor they need.
   
   

2. Lower your volume, not your authority.
   You don’t need to match their energy to get through to them. A steady tone is more powerful than a raised voice.
   
   

3. Narrate the calm.
   Try saying, “I can feel both of us getting frustrated. I’m going to take a breath before we keep talking.”
   This models emotional awareness and gives permission for regulation instead of reaction.
   
   

4. Don’t fear silence.
   Sometimes, co-regulation is sitting quietly beside them, no words needed. Presence communicates safety more than pep talks ever could.
   
   

When you hold that space - even when you’re frustrated - your child’s brain starts to mirror your calm instead of your chaos.

How to Help Your Tween Build Emotional Intelligence (Without Losing Yours)

You don’t need to turn your kitchen into a therapy office.
You just need to create small, consistent opportunities for emotional practice.

Here’s what works:

1. Name your own feelings out loud.
“I’m stressed from work,” or “I’m nervous about that call.”
Kids can’t learn to name emotions they never hear spoken.

2. Validate first, teach later.
When they say, “You’re so unfair,” try, “I get that you’re frustrated.”
Once they calm down, then explain your reasoning. Validation first, logic second.

3. Label feelings, not behaviour.
Instead of “Stop being rude,” say, “I think you’re angry - want to tell me what’s behind that?”
This helps them connect emotion to expression and eventually self-regulate.

4. Normalize repair.
When you lose it (and you will), say, “That wasn’t how I wanted to respond. I’m sorry for yelling. I love you, and I want to do better next time.”
Repair teaches accountability and emotional safety - not shame.

5. Use real-life examples.
TV shows, songs, social situations - they’re emotional gold mines.
Ask, “What do you think that character was feeling?” or “What would you do if that happened to you?”

6. Let small conflicts be practice rounds.
Every disagreement about curfew, homework, or chores is a mini-training in emotional regulation.
You’re not trying to win those moments; you’re trying to teach through them.

What Happens When You Stick With It

At first, it feels like nothing’s changing. You name emotions, model calm, and still get eye rolls.
But emotional growth happens in slow motion.

Over time, you’ll see subtle shifts:

• They start to name their feelings before they explode.

• They cool down faster.

• They take more ownership after conflict.
  
  

And maybe the biggest one - they start trusting you more.

Because emotional intelligence isn’t just a skill you’re teaching; it’s a relationship you’re building.

Every time you respond with empathy instead of escalation, you’re teaching your tween that you’re safe to come to - not just when they’re calm, but when they’re at their messiest.

That safety grows into trust.
And trust is what keeps the door open through the teen years - when connection matters most.

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present enough to help your child learn who they are, one feeling at a time.

Want help putting this into practice?

Grab the Tween Connection Guide - packed with real scripts, prompts, and conversation tools to help you stay close while your tween tests their independence.

✨ Available now at Parenting-ish.com under “Toolkit.”

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Real-Life Takeaway

Emotional intelligence doesn’t grow through lectures - it grows through moments of connection.
When you show up calmly in the chaos, your child learns that emotions are safe, relationships can recover, and love doesn’t disappear in hard moments.

Pro Tip

When your tween starts to spiral, say less and notice more.
Your steady presence teaches their body what safety feels like - long before their brain finds the words for it.

Did You Know?

Children who grow up with parents who “emotion coach” - meaning they validate and guide emotions rather than suppress them - show higher emotional regulation, better academic performance, and stronger peer relationships (John Gottman Institute, 2023).

Curated Links for Parents

Articles and research
🌿 What Is Social and Emotional Learning? – Child Mind Institute
SEL is how kids build the core skills behind emotional intelligence, including self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, responsible decision-making, and relationship skills. The piece explains how schools teach SEL through explicit lessons and daily practice and how parents can reinforce it at home by naming feelings, modelling regulation, and creating calm teaching moments. It also outlines tiered school supports when children need more help.

Parenting-ish free toolkit
✨ Tween Connection Guide ages 10–12
Scripts, prompts, and practical tools to stay close through mood swings and emotional growing pains.

Podcast / Audio

🎧 Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam – “Healing Your Inner Teen”

Adolescent psychologist Dr. Cam Caswell and conscious parenting coach Shelly Robinson unpack why your child’s backtalk or eye roll can hit so hard - and how healing your own past can transform your relationship today.

They explore emotional triggers, the link between your inner teen and your actual teen, and how self-awareness builds calmer, more connected conversations at home.